I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
