a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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