Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
