I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
