i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
