You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
