I wish I could punch you in the face.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
