maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
