Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
