It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
