Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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