just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
