I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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