Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So much rum. So many feels.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
