I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
