Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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