last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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