Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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