tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
