Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
