Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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