In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
