I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
