the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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