It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
