Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
