Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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