bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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