I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
