She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
