Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
