how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
