god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
