You work out of a Hotel?
Screwed.edu
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
