i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
