After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
