come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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