there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
