she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
