3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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