Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
