I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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