My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
