My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
