it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
