I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
