love makes seman taste better
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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