Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
