Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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