this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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