Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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